~By Wendy Zangari
The question of the title is a question from one of my readers, they posted this question on our forums and even though I answered there, it really applies to what is going on with me now and I had to write about how to gain your own personal strength during this time.
First thing we all need to do is look within. If something makes you upset, try to identify with it. Go back to the very first time you felt that way and rediscover how it made you feel and why. When you look inward and fix yourself, then we can enlighten others, now we do not have to be completely fixed, because I am certainly not saying I am, but we work towards this, we work towards trusting ourselves and once we trust ourselves and our decisions at each crossroad in our life, that is what we are working towards, a better you, for a better tomorrow, will emerge. All work starts within.
What I am trying to do, to stay afloat and try to keep things moving in my household is to know why I am doing something, how it is going to affect others and if it not a desirable trait I try to change it by practicing at not acting that particular way.
When I was 19, 20 years ago, I ran away to a homeless shelter because it was difficult living with an alcoholic mother that was verbally abusive. I stayed at that homeless shelter for 6 months and then got myself 3 jobs and moved into a boarding home. It was my path, if I could do that and get up and make something of myself and be in a homeless shelter and make it on my own, then anyone can. I did in fact keep going back home as I was glutton for punishment, but I soon left, right after I came back. I felt bad for my father, who had health issues and was unable to take care of my mother and he needed me, but I couldn’t take the abuse, it was too much for me to handle and after 6 months of being home again, I left. I moved in with a man that called my house by accident as it was the wrong number, he was calling a strip club and he and I decided to meet each other instead. So, I ended up moving in with him almost immediately of meeting him.
About a year into our relationship, he wanted to move back to Bronx, New York, where he is from. I decided to go with him after he got settled there with a job and an apartment. I stayed with our room-mate at the time for six months until my boyfriend was settled in. I moved down to the Bronx and about a month, perhaps not even, after living there, he thought I was cheating on him because I was talking with his co-worker in the front seat when we drove up to our apartment to pick him up. He got in the backseat of the cab as he worked for a cab company at night, slept for about 4 hours a night and then went to Police Academy during the day.
When we got out of the cab he dropped his bag in a puddle and told me to pick it up, I wouldn’t, so I started to walk away and he grabbed me and punched me in the face giving me a black eye and a bloody lip. I punch him back and he punched me again and again in the head. I walked away a bloody mess, while people up on the El (Train tracks above us) were cheering for him. I called the police, didn’t file charges, but he got kicked out of the Police Academy. I went to a friends house and I told them if he called, I was not there. I soon left and went back home to Massachusetts.
He followed me to Massachusetts. I went back to New York with him defeated. Time went by, I tried to kill myself because I had a miscarriage due to him punching me in the stomach after I went back with him. His family came over, father hit me in the face, mother hit me in the face, and sister hit me in the face. I was kicked out of my apartment (that I wasn’t allowed a key for) as they were rummaging through my things. I keyed the family’s car, I went to a holding cell until my father drove from Massachusetts to New York to bail me out and pay the fine. I went home and I never went back and he was never allowed to see me even when he drove back up to Mass to get me back. The police were called and he left peacefully.
I was with Matt, my late fiance 4 and a half years later after my previous relationship, after being single that whole time as well. I had a hard time trusting anyone until Matt. I thought after Matt was killed, I wouldn’t have another person in my life like him and yet I met Greg, who I have a deeper love for and actually found another soul mate in my life, I am very blessed in that respect.
Before I was depressed and had a lot of anxiety and I used to eat to make it go away. I blew up to 260 pounds and now I am many pounds lighter, looking to lose a few more pounds, but I am eating better. I can’t get fat from eating lots of veggies. You can though from eating too much fruit as it has too much sugar, albeit natural, it is still sugar.
As of this year, I started out by trying to eat better (you are what you eat, is very true) and this is still a struggle, but I am conscious of it and I can fix it with persistence. I also started meditating more, as of late I have not done so, so this is a good reminder to do just that. I try to clear out my chakras, identify who I am, clear my soul of things that I did that were not of who I really am.
The other part to awakening is knowing what is around you, knowing what you are being told by the media is not true, knowing that you are being poisoned by the food industries which is owned by big business, which is the Rockefeller’s and the like. That is a part of awakening as well, to know that we can change this and we do not need to be controlled and we are not an experiment of anyone else’s but our own. We can not succumb to the works of the iiluminati and we need to break them down as a society. There should be no “Black Budget” or a control of where our money goes. Right now, I truly feel like we are passing around pieces of paper and I laugh, because there is no gold to back it up. Whose pockets is our money in? Why are they hoarding the gold? Either way I feel like this is starting to be a joke and we are playing the game of Monopoly now, in life.
So there is a lot to awaken to, awakening to the truth of our World’s history, awakening to the truth that we had planned these lives and previous ones to get to the path we are at now. It’s a lot to absorb, but the first step is working internally on ourselves, getting rid of our excess baggage (if this means apologizing to all of those you hurt, than do so) and know that we can be in abundance in life by just being, because you know who you are and love yourself, which transcends into loving one another.
The reason why I have been on the internet less over this past week, is because we are having some issues with 3 of our cats health and one of them that is 7 years old and cannot live here anymore due to the fact that he is getting more and more aggressive with the other cats. So I might have a nice home for him with a nice older couple, we will see what happens. (We didn’t end up giving him away… 5/9/2013)
Also, my mother in law has once again started the charade of disrespecting everyone, including her own children and family. How do you go about telling your mother that you do not want a cake and a banner and plates that have 50 years old written on them, for your birthday? Also, why do the children have to celebrate this day? Isn’t it the mother that went through all of the pain and pleasure of birthing? We didn’t experience this, so why should we celebrate it? It’s just another day to us. We did not find this out from her, though, we found this out from Greg’s cousin that she had planned this whole party. When Greg’s cousin mentioned me and the fact that perhaps she should discuss her plans with me, being Greg’s wife and all, she said that I have no say because this is her son’s house, not mine. Wow, I am married to her son, I have been married to him for 6 years going on 7, but I guess that Greg bought the house, doesn’t matter that I sold my house to move down here in his house. It is apparently not my house.
This scenario reminded me of when Matt’s family sued me for my house in Massachusetts, after Matt was killed. They were nice for about 1 week and that was the end of being nice to me, even though I was engaged to their son for a year and had been living together for 4 years. So they sued me and their lawyer came over to my house and took Matt’s things I had set aside for them, they were furious that we had both of our names on the house and I had rights of survivorship, they also didn’t like the fact that I got Matt’s Life Insurance policy, because he left it to me, I was his fiancee, it made sense.
His family had the same mentality that my mother and sister in law have now and I am not family, nor have I ever been. The reason is because I see truth and they see lies and perpetuate those lies. They see being snide and doing it in a round about way is a way to get a person to hurt, to feel pain. For example, Greg’s cousin, our brother, because he is more of a brother than anything, he practices Islam and he noticed that Greg’s mother had a prayer rug over her kitchen threshold and our brother said to mom that it was disrespectful to walk on it. So mom moved it out of the way, sort of. Then the next time our brother goes over to her apartment, she has the rug at the front door, took up the plastic runner that had been there for years and had not moved. So, this was her way to tell our brother that he cannot tell her what to do and that she will disrespect him if she wants.
My mother in law has this party planned and Greg told her that he did not want anything at all, but she doesn’t care and told our brother that it isn’t up to Greg and I, she is coming over to our house and is going to set up the banner and the cake and food and have a party for Greg’s 50th birthday party whether Greg or I want it or not, she said she didn’t care because she wanted to have the party. So we told her this morning that we did not want this and that we may end up going away for the weekend to the shore now that Greg’s medications are more regulated and the nausea and pain are a little better. So, I don’t think we will be around, funny thing is I know for a fact that even though Greg said he didn’t want a party, she is going to plan it and be very disappointed when the time comes on August 3rd and we aren’t around. She will be taking it out on me, because this is the way things work in this marriage.
When the mother in law doesn’t get her way, it’s the woman that your son is married to, that is at fault. Right? So I will get the snide remarks, she will talk about me to Greg’s sister and she will talk about me to our brother, but she won’t talk to me, but she will come over to our house and be nicey nice to Greg and I and send us gifts and food, that is apparently love. Gifts and food. I never heard of such a thing, so Greg and I discussed and have made a decision, that his mother is no longer welcomed in our house because she affects the higher vibrations of us and the cats and it lingers in the rooms she was in.
I prayed that night that she was over for the negativity to go away, but when someone talks about everyone and then goes and talks to those others that you just spoke ill of, about us, it is just a rotten makeup of a human being. I don’t think they got the genetics right on that one. However, Greg’s mother’s soul plan and contract might be to push everyone away at 80 years old to learn how to truly be with herself, with one and with God. This is a woman who prays to all the Saints on a daily basis and reads from the Bible as well on a daily basis, but what is she reading and why does she not practice what she reads? This does not make sense to me either and it’s funny because I find this more and more in the Roman Catholic religion or just Catholic, not sure, but my family was both Catholic from my mom’s side of the family and Jewish from Ukraine, from my dad’s side of the family, so I am not sure what makes sense in regards to religion, I am not a huge fan and really have never been, but spirituality is right up my alley!
I now know for sure that Greg was a Walk-In at 10 years old, as he is their own biological son, when they adopted his sister. They did a number on her too and she is a thief and a liar and perpetual at that. The interesting thing, Greg’s sister is a Nurse and I can’t understand how someone can be a Nurse and act that way. Oh I guess I do, my Aunt is a Nurse and she told me “You are Jewish and are not allowed into Heaven, as you do not take Christ as your savior. All Jews will not go to heaven, you know”. It’s sad, but what do you do when it is your own family that is bringing you down? Unfortunately you have to throw them out of your life.
If they were a stranger on the street would you be friends with someone who talks about people behind their backs and says really evil and mean things and then is nice to your face after they just said a bunch of crap about you? I would not associate with them, they are not my kind of people and for her to be almost 80 years old and a bitter angry old woman that thinks that she can go into a store and yell at people because they do not have what she wants right then and there, it is appalling and embarrassing.
She did that last week when she went shopping with our brother, she ended up yelling at this poor guy after she barged the door in when he was locking it to close for the day. Then she yells at him for not having plates for a 50 year old, that says 50 on them. They had 30 years old, 40, 60, 70 and so on, but no 50 and my mother in law ripped this poor guy who had a long day already, a new asshole and then some. When she used to do that in stores when I was with her, I would walk away and pretend she wasn’t with me and I was just browsing. It’s easier that way and then when I tell her what she did wrong and that she really should apologize to the people in the store, she gives me a wrinkled up nose, a awful shape to her mouth and face, and a body gesture that is appalling. Then says things like “Why are you disagreeing with me? Everyone is against me, you, Betxx, etc.”
This is a constant behavior and senility runs on that side of the family and what comes with that is a bit of anger and pissed off at the world type of attitude. I refuse to let that in my house any longer, I do not care that it is family, Greg’s mother vibrates at an extremely low level with racist remarks and negative things to say about everything and everyone, I will not listen to it anymore and thank God, Greg agrees. Life problem solved. She makes it easy to do this and it is sad, but that is the part of duality that we have to free ourselves from. We do not need to be around anyone that gives us bad vibes, tell them to leave or leave yourself, because no one should have to endure that.
But I am trying to get rid of this anger, so I must let it go in order to move on in my own healing.
© 2011 – 2013, Ready For The Shift. ™ Wendy & Greg Zangari, All rights reserved. Permission is granted to copy and redistribute these articles on the condition that the content remains complete and in tact, full credit is given to the author(s), and that it is distributed freely.